Sup gamers? I'm Stu Peterson. Welcome to the first edition of STU'S REVIEWS, the section where I lay down the law on all the latest in video games. You may not like it, and it may not be pretty, so if you can't stand the heat then GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KITCHEN!1!!!1
So anyway I've been hearing a lot about this Bioshock game. Everywhere you turn, it's Bioshock this, Bioshock that. With almost universally perfect reviews, it's almost impossible to find someone who can put this "masterpiece" down...well STU'S GOT NEWS!!!!!!! After extensive research and hours of playing, I have come to the conclusion that Bioshock might be the WORST GAME EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all, the plot of this game is WEAK. You play as a retarded Australian spy whose bus skids off a cliff and is trapped in the bowels of Atlantis. By a twist of fate, you survive and are attacked by zombies. CAN U SAY RESIDENT EVIL? I CAN. RESIDENT EVIL!!!! You go through different rooms solving puzzles by building connecting tubes and uhhh...CAN YOU SAY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS? If I wanted to be a plumber I'd hook up my NES! PLZ! NEWAYZ Neway u fight big guys in sea suits and whales and stuff. The final boss is Shamu. SPOIL'D!The graphics of this game are unbearable. Just because it looks realistic DON'T MAKE IT GOOD. Can you say DUCK HUNT? GOOD GAME. BIOSHOCK? GAY.
Spooky lighting DOESN'T MAKE A GAME GOOD. Freaky lighting has been a trend in horrible games in the past few years... Doom 3 anyone? BAD GAME. The last game I can recall that used lighting well was Diablo 2. Anyway, if your hardcore into games like Runescape (on half settings), you're computer might not be able to run this game so buyer beware! Trust me, it's not worth the upgrade.The guns in this game SUCK. You can't even carry a sword. Last good game where you didn't have a sword. TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING. The controls of this game are confusing and horrible. WASD? BUMP THAT!!!! Where's my point and click? NO NO NO NO NO! This game is an awful waffle, I can't bear to go on any longer.
STU'S VERDICT:
Graphics: Realistically BAD.
Sound: LAME
Controls: AWFUL
Replay Value: THIS GAME DOESN'T HAVE REPLAY VALUE bECAUSE I DONT WANT TO PLAY IT FOR MORE THAN 1 SECOND YEAH IT's THAT BAD
FINAL VERDICT: 0/10
2 comments:
Props to you Stu! Maybe your review will get people to stop coming into Best Buy and asking me if we have Bio Shock, when I'm standing next to a huge display of Bio Shock. People need to learn about good games, like Paper Boy or Q-Bert.
I don't think Stu and me agree much.
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