Stu's Reviews: Bioshock

Sup gamers? I'm Stu Peterson. Welcome to the first edition of STU'S REVIEWS, the section where I lay down the law on all the latest in video games. You may not like it, and it may not be pretty, so if you can't stand the heat then GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KITCHEN!1!!!1

So anyway I've been hearing a lot about this Bioshock game. Everywhere you turn, it's Bioshock this, Bioshock that. With almost universally perfect reviews, it's almost impossible to find someone who can put this "masterpiece" down...well STU'S GOT NEWS!!!!!!! After extensive research and hours of playing, I have come to the conclusion that Bioshock might be the WORST GAME EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, the plot of this game is WEAK. You play as a retarded Australian spy whose bus skids off a cliff and is trapped in the bowels of Atlantis. By a twist of fate, you survive and are attacked by zombies. CAN U SAY RESIDENT EVIL? I CAN. RESIDENT EVIL!!!! You go through different rooms solving puzzles by building connecting tubes and uhhh...CAN YOU SAY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS? If I wanted to be a plumber I'd hook up my NES! PLZ! NEWAYZ Neway u fight big guys in sea suits and whales and stuff. The final boss is Shamu. SPOIL'D!

The graphics of this game are unbearable. Just because it looks realistic DON'T MAKE IT GOOD. Can you say DUCK HUNT? GOOD GAME. BIOSHOCK? GAY. Spooky lighting DOESN'T MAKE A GAME GOOD. Freaky lighting has been a trend in horrible games in the past few years... Doom 3 anyone? BAD GAME. The last game I can recall that used lighting well was Diablo 2. Anyway, if your hardcore into games like Runescape (on half settings), you're computer might not be able to run this game so buyer beware! Trust me, it's not worth the upgrade.

The guns in this game SUCK. You can't even carry a sword. Last good game where you didn't have a sword. TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING. The controls of this game are confusing and horrible. WASD? BUMP THAT!!!! Where's my point and click? NO NO NO NO NO! This game is an awful waffle, I can't bear to go on any longer.

STU'S VERDICT:

Graphics: Realistically BAD.
Sound: LAME
Controls: AWFUL
Replay Value: THIS GAME DOESN'T HAVE REPLAY VALUE bECAUSE I DONT WANT TO PLAY IT FOR MORE THAN 1 SECOND YEAH IT's THAT BAD

FINAL VERDICT: 0/10

Family Guy Syndrome

It's that time of year again. Children are flocking back to school, the leaves are falling from the trees, and there's a chill in there air. Oh yes, autumn is on it's way. But with this beloved season comes a small price to pay. Seasonal allergies plague those with weak immune systems, sore throats and stuffy noses begin to keep our youth home from school...but within the shadows lurks a disease that strikes fear in the hearts of even the most cold blooded bastards. Beware, my friends. It's Family Guy syndrome.

I had a friend who had a friend who had a friend with FGS. We searched far and wide for a medicine man who could handle his case, but it was far too severe. No, not even a miracle from Gregory House could save this poor soul. You may be asking yourself, "What is Family Guy syndrome?" That's a good question, Billy. Here's the answer:

Family Guy Syndrome is a disease which afflicts over one million people per year, although it is most commonly found in freshmen. FGS occurs mostly in people watch too much television, read too much internets, and/or strongly embrace anything that isn't that funny. FGS isn't contagious, although an infected person may spread it to another by sucking them into their world of not funny.

List of people confirmed to have Family Guy Syndrome:

Scott Stapp, Carlos Mencia, Chad Kroeger, Randy Savage, The 1998 Denver Broncos, Wanda Sykes, all member of Primus, that girl who plays Ugly Betty, Michael Bay, Rowan Atkinson, and many others...

After reading the list above, you've probably come up with your own list of friends who have a mild or extreme case of FGS. By reading the following list of scenarios below, you can decide for yourself if your friends or loved ones carry this dreadful disease:

-You are having a conversation with your friends after watching Superbad. One of them immediately shouts "I AM MCLOVIN!" and laughs nervously. Following this, he suggests going to his house to watch some videos on Ebaumsworld.

- You meet a girl at a party and head back to her place for a good time. As you tour her apartment, she shows you her dog, Brian, her gerbil, Ralph Wiggum, and her cat. Seth Green. After a few more minutes you realize that she is actually a man.

-You are considered the best writer in your group of friends, and many of them often ask you to edit their papers. You're friend who is a Film major asks you to edit "Why Michael Bay is the Great Director of the 21st Century." After further examination, you realize that he is wearing an Optimus Prime shirt and has no idea what he is talking about.

-You and your friends go to Applebee's for dinner. One of your friends exclaims "Check out Borat over there!" After looking in the general direction he described, you see a middle aged man with a mustache who looks nothing like Borat. After that, he proposes that you all go back to his house and watch Bean.

And there you have it folks. Now go out to the world and protect yourselves, your friends, your children, your pets, and be thankful that I actually wrote an article.