Ron Paul-Giamatti?

His political views are questionable, but his taste in wine couldn't be more trusted.

Now THATS hope for America.

Across the Universe: The Truth

To say that Across the Universe "ruined the Beatles" might just be the most retarded statement of 2007. Although, "Chris Benoit was innocent" still stands at a close 2nd. I'm tired and sick and sick and tired of reviewers, critics, and Beatles fans alike griping about this film, especially those who haven't even seen it (JACOB STRYNAR). In this psuedo-review, I will lay down the law and spit great justice on that which is Across the Universe.

This is a psuedo-review, so as such I will actually have to review this movie at least partially. The film takes place during the Vietnam war, follows the story of a British shiphopper searching for a new life, properly named Jude, who finds his father as well as the mischevious future dropout Max (Ya know, like MAXWELL SILVER HAMMER!) and falls in love with Max's sister, Lucy. Yes, everyone in the movie, more or less, is named after people whose names appear in Beatles songs. It's this kind of thing that makes Across the Universe so great. So many Beatles references thrown in subtly, such as an elderly dock worker commenting on how he thought he'd be doing something else when he was 64. Endless references and a spectacular soundtrack (It's the BEATLES for crying out loud), why can't Beatles' fans enjoy this movie?

TRICK QUESTION! SURPRISE ANSWER! BEATLES FANS CAN AND WILL ENJOY THIS MOVIE, IF NOT YOU HAVE A STICK UP YOUR ASS. They aren't showing footage of young actors pissing on John Lennon and George Harrison's graves. They aren't playing putting Beatles songs to the beats of Three Six Mafia. They ARE making an amazing musical, with stunning visuals and brilliant music. The fact is, the songs in the music are done legitimately well and don't fall far from the originals. You have to give some respect to the actors to pulling off such a great movie and soundtrack. Yes, there was some kinda "out there drug influenced hippie mumbo" in there, but then again, IT'S THE BEATLES MUSICAL. I mean, do we constantly sit around and try to understand the meaning behind "I Am The Walrus?" The director had a great vision and pulled it off. This was a damn good film, and there really just isn't much else to it.

Why have people made The Beatles such an untouchable entity? What's so wrong about a Beatles musical? Would you rather is have starred Tom Cruise, Jessica Alba, Slyvester Stalone and be directed by Michael Bay? NO. I acknowledge The Beatles essentially the most influential band of all time, and easily one of the greatest, if not the greatest, ever. Across the Universe depicts the power the of the Beatles' art and how applicable their music is. All in all, it was a fantastic film. Perhaps some people just "don't get it" or I'm just too much of an art fag who likes that sort of thing. Either way, across the universe was completely awesome. If you don't believe me, read Robert Ebert's review 'Nuff said.

FINAL VERDICT: 8.5/10

Stu's Reviews: Bioshock

Sup gamers? I'm Stu Peterson. Welcome to the first edition of STU'S REVIEWS, the section where I lay down the law on all the latest in video games. You may not like it, and it may not be pretty, so if you can't stand the heat then GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KITCHEN!1!!!1

So anyway I've been hearing a lot about this Bioshock game. Everywhere you turn, it's Bioshock this, Bioshock that. With almost universally perfect reviews, it's almost impossible to find someone who can put this "masterpiece" down...well STU'S GOT NEWS!!!!!!! After extensive research and hours of playing, I have come to the conclusion that Bioshock might be the WORST GAME EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, the plot of this game is WEAK. You play as a retarded Australian spy whose bus skids off a cliff and is trapped in the bowels of Atlantis. By a twist of fate, you survive and are attacked by zombies. CAN U SAY RESIDENT EVIL? I CAN. RESIDENT EVIL!!!! You go through different rooms solving puzzles by building connecting tubes and uhhh...CAN YOU SAY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS? If I wanted to be a plumber I'd hook up my NES! PLZ! NEWAYZ Neway u fight big guys in sea suits and whales and stuff. The final boss is Shamu. SPOIL'D!

The graphics of this game are unbearable. Just because it looks realistic DON'T MAKE IT GOOD. Can you say DUCK HUNT? GOOD GAME. BIOSHOCK? GAY. Spooky lighting DOESN'T MAKE A GAME GOOD. Freaky lighting has been a trend in horrible games in the past few years... Doom 3 anyone? BAD GAME. The last game I can recall that used lighting well was Diablo 2. Anyway, if your hardcore into games like Runescape (on half settings), you're computer might not be able to run this game so buyer beware! Trust me, it's not worth the upgrade.

The guns in this game SUCK. You can't even carry a sword. Last good game where you didn't have a sword. TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING. The controls of this game are confusing and horrible. WASD? BUMP THAT!!!! Where's my point and click? NO NO NO NO NO! This game is an awful waffle, I can't bear to go on any longer.

STU'S VERDICT:

Graphics: Realistically BAD.
Sound: LAME
Controls: AWFUL
Replay Value: THIS GAME DOESN'T HAVE REPLAY VALUE bECAUSE I DONT WANT TO PLAY IT FOR MORE THAN 1 SECOND YEAH IT's THAT BAD

FINAL VERDICT: 0/10

Family Guy Syndrome

It's that time of year again. Children are flocking back to school, the leaves are falling from the trees, and there's a chill in there air. Oh yes, autumn is on it's way. But with this beloved season comes a small price to pay. Seasonal allergies plague those with weak immune systems, sore throats and stuffy noses begin to keep our youth home from school...but within the shadows lurks a disease that strikes fear in the hearts of even the most cold blooded bastards. Beware, my friends. It's Family Guy syndrome.

I had a friend who had a friend who had a friend with FGS. We searched far and wide for a medicine man who could handle his case, but it was far too severe. No, not even a miracle from Gregory House could save this poor soul. You may be asking yourself, "What is Family Guy syndrome?" That's a good question, Billy. Here's the answer:

Family Guy Syndrome is a disease which afflicts over one million people per year, although it is most commonly found in freshmen. FGS occurs mostly in people watch too much television, read too much internets, and/or strongly embrace anything that isn't that funny. FGS isn't contagious, although an infected person may spread it to another by sucking them into their world of not funny.

List of people confirmed to have Family Guy Syndrome:

Scott Stapp, Carlos Mencia, Chad Kroeger, Randy Savage, The 1998 Denver Broncos, Wanda Sykes, all member of Primus, that girl who plays Ugly Betty, Michael Bay, Rowan Atkinson, and many others...

After reading the list above, you've probably come up with your own list of friends who have a mild or extreme case of FGS. By reading the following list of scenarios below, you can decide for yourself if your friends or loved ones carry this dreadful disease:

-You are having a conversation with your friends after watching Superbad. One of them immediately shouts "I AM MCLOVIN!" and laughs nervously. Following this, he suggests going to his house to watch some videos on Ebaumsworld.

- You meet a girl at a party and head back to her place for a good time. As you tour her apartment, she shows you her dog, Brian, her gerbil, Ralph Wiggum, and her cat. Seth Green. After a few more minutes you realize that she is actually a man.

-You are considered the best writer in your group of friends, and many of them often ask you to edit their papers. You're friend who is a Film major asks you to edit "Why Michael Bay is the Great Director of the 21st Century." After further examination, you realize that he is wearing an Optimus Prime shirt and has no idea what he is talking about.

-You and your friends go to Applebee's for dinner. One of your friends exclaims "Check out Borat over there!" After looking in the general direction he described, you see a middle aged man with a mustache who looks nothing like Borat. After that, he proposes that you all go back to his house and watch Bean.

And there you have it folks. Now go out to the world and protect yourselves, your friends, your children, your pets, and be thankful that I actually wrote an article.

Review: Superbad

The critically acclaimed and widely hyped Superbad is finally upon us, and I'm here to lay down the law on the movie that is supposed to "save" modern comedies.


Overview: I'll start off by saying that I have mixed feelings about the juggernaut which is Superbad. The movie has been well received by critics, yet I have to admit I expected more from something that garnered a 90% rating from Rottentomatoes. The film, from the beginning, comes off as being far too sure of itself. Within the first few minutes of the film you get enough cursing, penis jokes, and vulgarity to fill a good amount of comedy films from the 1980's. For some people, perpetual language and genital humor is enough to get their laugh box going, but since my sense of humor has evolved beyond that of a 7th grader, I must protest a good deal of the film's comical style. I haven't experienced the humor of comedies such as 40 Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up, and I've heard nothing but good things, but I suppose I was expecting something more...high brow? YES. High brow. I'll continue.

The plot is simple enough. A sex driven buddy movie, whose protagonists, portrayed by Michael Cera and Jonah Hill, have been accepted into different colleges and desire one last sexual hurrah (despite their inexperience in the field) before the summer begins. Cera's character is polite, bashful, and hilarious. He pulls his role off flawlessly, his subtle one liners and awkward posture generate a funny yet lovable character. Hill's portrayal, however, is something less to be desired. Every other word is an obscenity, and the crude humor flows endlessly out of his mouth. Hill's character came off as somewhat unrealistic to me; perhaps I just don't hang around enough people who ooze sleaze and perpetually drop F-BOMBS (this review is PG-13, bro). 175 F-Bombs to be exact. Hill and Cera have chemistry, sure, but Hill's awkwardness is the essential punchline to just about every situation. Much of the humor is just..."too much." 8-year olds obsessed with drawing penises? Come on. Dancing with a girl who stains your pants with "period blood?" Dude. Ew. The humor is just too much potty mouth, not enough thought process. Of course there were situations that you just couldn't help but laugh at, but there are two redeeming factors about the film that could have made awesome comedies in themselves...

(1) McLovin is simply hilarious. Christopher Mintz-Plasse now has the potential to play token nerds for years and years with more zeal than Jon Heder. The Fogell/McLovin character is a major redeeming factor in this film; without McLovin there would be no Superbad. The fake ID scene, the endless one liners, and his chemistry with....(2) The Cops. Bill Hader and Seth Rogan are awesome. Without this incompetent, drunken, and lovable pair, Superbad would have suffered dearly. The chemistry between McLovin and the cops made this movie funny. There wasn't a need for perpetual potty mouth or penises for this trio; just a whole lot of chemistry and hilarious acting. I honestly believe that if the film simply revolved around the misadventures of these three, a better comedy could have been produced.

Closing Comments: Many reviews said that this movie portrayed a deeper message within it's contents, and I suppose their right. When you dig deeply through all of the vulgarity and obscenities, Superbad is a buddy movie at it's core. Superbad is fun and funny, although is could have easily done without so many over the top situations and unneeded sleaze and still been great. It may seem like this review takes a lot away from the film, but listen. This movie is going to make a lot of money, and plenty of teenagers will state that this is the funniest movie they've seen in ages. I just don't feel this movie deserves all of the praise that it has received. Superbad just felt sort of cheap; it's humor came without wit. And I gotta have my wit.

The Good: All things McLovin. A nerd portrayed at his finest.
The Bad: 175 F-Bombs? Only works in a Tarantino flick.
The Ugly: So much that could have been cut out, in my opinion. And where's the wit? Perhaps I was expecting more than the hype.

Verdict: 7/10 (Good)

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